But every now and then it hits me: I'll never have him.
My God - that is exactly how I feel, only with me I'm afraid it happens a little more often. Because I'm so ancient in fan terms I try to kid myself that its a 'maternal' interest I have in him but of course in truth it something far from motherly. I have so many things to be happy for, a wonderful husband who loves me, and I him, two lovely kids (both older than Lij), a nice home - and I feel I should really just consider the happiness Elijah has given me as a bonus and be content with watching him in films etc. But I'm not. I want the impossible. And when I really think about it, that I'll never mean anything to him other than one of a million fans, I am overwhelmed with misery. And it seems part of human nature to never be satisfied. Twelve months ago I really believed there was no way I'd ever meet him. When I heard he was coming to CM4 I was almost hysterical. Then I met him, and it was wonderful, brief but wonderful, but I remember fighting back the tears on the journey home because I wanted more.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-04-13 08:08 am (UTC)My God - that is exactly how I feel, only with me I'm afraid it happens a little more often. Because I'm so ancient in fan terms I try to kid myself that its a 'maternal' interest I have in him but of course in truth it something far from motherly. I have so many things to be happy for, a wonderful husband who loves me, and I him, two lovely kids (both older than Lij), a nice home - and I feel I should really just consider the happiness Elijah has given me as a bonus and be content with watching him in films etc. But I'm not. I want the impossible. And when I really think about it, that I'll never mean anything to him other than one of a million fans, I am overwhelmed with misery. And it seems part of human nature to never be satisfied. Twelve months ago I really believed there was no way I'd ever meet him. When I heard he was coming to CM4 I was almost hysterical. Then I met him, and it was wonderful, brief but wonderful, but I remember fighting back the tears on the journey home because I wanted more.